To be or not to be happy: pregnancy

So, society tells us, and so do most Hollywood films etc, that when you find out you’re pregnant, you’re either absolutely over the moon and jump around, crying, hugging and kissing everyone or you’re devastated because it ruins your career/looks/bank account (delete as appropriate).

Well, this pregnancy was the ONE thing I’ve longed for all my life, waited for, hoped for, worked for. After the first positive pregnancy test all that I managed was a bemused smile. 4 tests later there still weren’t any other emotions. The same can be said about Lime’s dad.

I guess it’s mostly to do with ‚the fear‘. For 3 months, it’s just there, everyday you hope ’she‘ is still there, growing and happy. Then you go to the scan. I cried when I saw her little heart beat like a drum..and her little feet stuck up in the air like a beetle on its back. 🙂 I was sooo relieved.

But now I’m worried again. The fear is still there. The chances of miscarriage might have gone down drastically, but there’re still tons of things that can happen. So I’m still in denial and say things like: ‚Yeah, if all works out, then we can go and start looking at prams…etc‘. I have to stick to that until 8 April 2010 4.20pm until I see her little heart again, maybe even hear it and until the nurse says: She’s looking fine. Only then might I allow myself to plan and look forward to our live together as a little family…

There were thoughts whether I am actually happy about this pregnancy, especially since I wanted this so much. Yes, I am. I’m just ‚lying low‘ until we’re safe. There’s too much at stake and I don’t want to jinx it.

On the inside I’m dancing…

 

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